Thursday, August 7, 2014

A Word on Abuse

One of the topics which I discuss in my course is abuse. I do, to an extent, believe that our society has lost all sense of decorum and that we all not only abuse but are abused to a large degree. If you were to decide to ignore everyone who abuses you, you'd be quite the lonely dear. I believe that we must have a method for responding to the abuse that is going to be present in every relationship we encounter. Largely due to a lack of manners. 
 There are abusive people in the world. There is nothing you can do about that. They exist. I do not believe in ignoring people. In such a situation, we become the cruel party. I do not believe in closing off on people. I do, however, believe in not accepting abuse. When someone chooses to be cruel to you, you have a choice. You can allow it to affect your day. You can allow it to change your course. You can allow it to shut you down. But if you do.... they win.. and you will have given up on everything that matters to you, because they simply had a bad day. I share this because many of you are struggling with keeping house, because someone has hurt you. Many of you are too ashamed to groom because someone has ridiculed you. Someone has made you feel worthless.. incapable.. and you are afraid to try and have them mock you again. You doubt your abilities and you are afraid to try.  Sometimes it is easier to crawl into a shell and just escape. But by doing so, you remain captive. 

It hit me one day, when I was crying from a similar abuse. I was crying.. just crying dreadfully at how terribly I'd allowed someone to make me feel. They continued to torment me with their words and someone made a simple comment.... "why don't you just tune them out?" Every person that is in your life that mistreats you has a hook. There is something about them that you are accepting that you wouldn't accept in another. Once you find out why, you will feel free. If another person treated you that way, would you stay? I can't figure out why exactly some people can have so much power over us but my personal belief? Is that those we tolerate, are those who say the words we already believe of ourselves. If someone called you fat and you were rail thin and self consciously so... it would have no effect on you. But if you were feeling heavy already, it would terrorize you. When you notice a pattern of cruelty, walk away. Wipe your feet and walk away. You do not have to stay there and let someone treat you badly.  

You might start to try to convince that person that you weren't heavy in a desperate effort to not face the facts. But by keeping that person in your life, you only traumatize yourself unnecessarily. Abusers will catch onto this. They LOVE to find what you are self conscious of and continually bring it up. In doing so, they tear you down. They make you weak. It is your responsibility to protect yourself. Don't let another hurt you this way. If someone is saying things that make you feel badly or shut you down, walk away. Create distance until they stop. Don't continually expose yourself to someone who is hurting you. You are allowing another to beat on you and that is not required. These abusers are hurting. They want to see another hurt worse than they do. Misery loves company. If they feel bad, they certainly don't want you to feel good. They will try to pull you down too. They LOVE to discover what you are self conscious of... what will get a reaction from you and then they will continually press that button. and sadly, they will usually attack the things you are good at... the things that you are perhaps not quite confident in but that you excel at. They will go out of their way to keep you from feeling confident.
 That is where you have a choice. You can choose to care enough about your endeavors... to tune them out. You don't have to keep listening to their cruel words and you don't have to believe them. You don't have to wait for their call. You don't have to let them put you off again. You can decide you are worth more and choose to be busy. Don't focus on those who are hurting you. Don't even let them say the words that hurt you. And for heavens sakes, don't waste your life away sulking over someone who rejected you. Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off and decide that you are worth being loved and adored. You are far too valuable to sit around being ignored as if you are worth nothing. Don't. and NO you do not "NEED" anyone. Certainly not one who isn't there for you. 
I want you to do this:

The next time you feel badly because another hurt you. Write it down. 
What hurt you? How did it make you feel? Do you believe it was true or did they have reason to  try to tear you down? Were they even just being mean to you?
Are you going to let them do this to you again?   Next that that I want you to write in capital letters NO!
So what will you do the next time to keep them from doing this to you? Make a plan. 
I had someone close in my life who every time I went out with them.. hurt me with cruel words. I won't say how in order to keep from revealing their identity. I quit going out alone with them. Why on earth was I paying money to lunch with someone who was going to hurt me. I quit. It was rather silly to even think of going. No loyalty requires that.I quit spending quite as much time with them. It was the right thing. 

There was another who would write things that were so hard on me, I'd literally lose days worth of time just stressing over it. I changed my email. 

I have let my significant other handle conflict in ways that caused me much distress and heartache. I would abandon projects I was excited to take part in, lose motivation on things I adored. I would literally give up on things that were important to me. I let him continually tear me down and I'd just wallow in my misery. I wrote it down. I wrote down what happened when he did those things and I made a plan to keep it from happening again. Instead of exposing myself to words that tore me down, I exposed myself to things that lifted me up and encouraged me. Perhaps it's a ladies group or a motivational blog or something that inspires you. Don't let another's bad mood affect your day as well. I do believe a lady is always polite and always courteous. But I do believe a lady knows how to respect herself enough not to let another mistreat her. 
If someone is cruel, kindly reply and walk away. 
Never allow them to shut you down. 
Don't put yourself IN THE SITUATION where the abuse occurs again. If you avoid the situation, you avoid the abuse. It may take a bit of cleverness but you can find a way. Do so. 
Continue on. Make a plan and stick to it. You ARE going to continue on with your day and work on that lovely project you had planned on. You ARE going to groom and look lovely. You ARE going to make your home a haven. 
Never let another force you to make a decision that is not your own whether it be through guilt or pressure. They have their own life to manage. This is yours. Your decisions are your own. You may sacrifice for others because you chose to...but don't allow another to bully you. 
I found once that everything I did in a day consisted of what others told me to do. It is for that very reason that I wasn't reaching the goals I had for myself. You may be doing the same. 
Decide what YOU want to do for the day. Make the goals that YOU want to make. Put them as first priority. THEN if you have extra time, see if what others are suggesting fits your needs. If not, kindly say "no." 
You don't have to be bullied. You don't have to be pressured. You can be a lady and say no. 
You CAN plan your day in a way that is best for you. 
You can resist pressure and bullying. You are allowed to avoid those who hurt you. 
You just have to decide that it's what you are going to do. 

and on that note, I have exciting news. I have made a work schedule change. 
I have let my home sit idly each day while I worked every daylight hour. I couldn't bear it. Everything I lived for sat idle while I did a job I didn't adore. I will be home during the day next week and honestly, I cannot wait. I should be blogging far more frequently once again.
Much love always, 

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