Thursday, April 18, 2013

Which Comes First? The Lipstick or The Mop?

I can't tell you how many mornings, this question used to  pop into my head... Should I indulge in that manicure I crave or do the 5 minute makeup job and tackle that floor?

And another question I wondered.... Which is more important to my husband? and I usually guessed wrong...

The truth? BOTH. And one without the other will NEVER Suffice. I repeat... you will NEVER have the ROMANTIC relationship or respect you desire if you let either of these areas slide... you just won't.

Literally, both are so important to him. If I'm not making time for both, my priorities are off. And if I were to truly jot down each half hour of the day and write what I did... well, on those days, I'd find I had plenty of time to tackle both IF I'd prioritized.

First things first ladies... the house has to get whipped into shape. Second, grooming must become a priority. Get on top of those two things in your life and you will have so much more time for leisure you will be amazed. You will also usually find any lost love of your husband. No matter how cruel or mean he may seem now. A man's disrespect is often a sign that he is bothered by something and afraid to ask. Like a little boy acting up on the playground because he's upset he didn't get icecream.

It is also amazing how much guilt free time I have when I set my priorities straight. It always astounds me as I tackle a task I never thought I'd finish that now I have a clean room that looks fabulous, I look great, I planned my meals and know I'm eating right, birthdays are remembered.......I actually have time and a clean room to indulge in a hobby?? It is truly an amazing and WONDERFUL feeling. The harder I work at my home, the easier it gets and the more free time I find. And that odd feeling when my diet is on track, I'm groomed and look great, my house is not only in shape but looks designer. I'm on top on top of my budget, I've checked in with friends. It's SUCH an amazing feeling. I can enjoy the leisure completely guilt free.  AND I don't have to use that leisure for one of the above.

Now this is the thing that will amaze you. Before I began this quest to become the perfect homemaker, my life wasn't all heaven and sunshine. I was very pretty. I had my pick of men and settled on a man who I thought was humble and kind, who seemed to adore me. He went on and on about how amazing I was and said "it was like winning the lottery" or "like a dream" to be with me.

I was incredibly successful at work, in fact I was an on air personality in a very large US city. I had dated country stars. I felt pretty good about myself. I ate most of my meals at restuarants that were pricey. One of my favorites was a $40 brunch on Sundays. He was in awe and fell for me. I felt like a price trophy. Yes... I had a bit too much pride and I was humbled very quickly.

Shortly after beginning life together I began to hear how his mom kept house and his mom cooked. I started to get irritated and upset.... OFTEN. Other men were checking me out constantly... but he stopped. completely. He always had a critique. He talked down to me. He was completely unimpressed by my looks no matter how good I looked. I spend a few years getting more and more cosmetically attractive and getting less and less respect from him. I could not figure it out. He didn't want to be in my home. He didn't want to be with me. I was in pain. I poured my energy into the wrong things... grooming, tanning, makeup, fashion...yet the home sat idle and dishes piled in a kitchen I never wanted to be in  let alone cook in. The emotions made me flee and never want to be home yet my heart ached for him so much it hurt. I can't even begin to explain the pain. At one point, I stopped grooming and just cried.  I started eating every meal out by myself as I sat on my cell phone typing "why isn't my man attracted to me anymore..." getting phone numbers thrown at me and having men hold my door everywhere I went. Other men were enthralled by me, why wasn't mine? Yet, he never left. He clearly wanted to be with me. I couldn't figure out why he would stay with me and literally ignore me all day and he seemed far from interested in me romantically. I just couldn't understand.

Men won't tell you when they are unhappy or why. But they want a cozy home that feels like a home. and ladies.... they want it even more than they want sex or romance. Sex is very important and perhaps their favorite thing... but a home is their life.

I began doing bible studies and they became my saving grace.I learned what women were created to do. I started studying home economics. I was alone so much I found comfort in my new studies and began learning to make a home as a hobby to give myself some comfort. I became so used to NOT getting his attention, I gave up but I poured my soul into learning to make a home as a comfort for myself.

Guess what.... his attraction came back. He started helping around the house. He started holding doors. When he started to act in love with me again, it threw me off. I no longer knew what to do. I was like a little girl that didn't know how to kiss. I'd forgot. In that time, I had improved and he was noticing. I never expected his love but it came. I had in the past yes, studied marriage but the books depressed me. They talked about spicing up a sex life and he only rejected me. If I were to honestly put on a neglige he'd just yawn and walk to the other room. I was not about to put myself through that.
But during that time when he was so cold, I became an amazing cook. I sewed a gorgeous dress. I not only cleaned my kitchen, I started designing it too. I started sending birthday cards to his family and mine. I started keeping my figure up and eating meals that were healthy for me. I started to take care of myself all while being ignored by him. and an amazing thing happened. I had been crying for years because he wouldn't even think to hold my hand in public and he started wanting to hold me in public and shelter me in public. He started to want to be intimate and hold me. He'd look at me and tears would well up in his eyes as he'd mention how much I meant to him. The marriage books of the past had never worked and I didn't think ANYTHING could work. My family was angry because I wouldn't leave him. I was told I was abused. I honestly was completely ignored. but I was trying t fix the wrong things. Everything I'd been thinking I needed to improve my figure to get, I got from cleaning my house.

He never told me... but apparently it was the homemaking skills he was craving... the HOME.
This isn't to say looks aren't important. They are incredibly important to him. It is to say, SO IS THE MOPPING. It will change your life, I promise but it isn't easy. It was weeks of heavy scrubbing to do the initial clean on my house. I'd spend 5 hours a day and at the end of those days, it was still a disaster and he was still distant.... I can't even tell you how hard it was but it was worth it. I still chuckle at a table display on our kitchen table because when the house was a disaster, I took the time to decorate that table and make a dinner for him in the midst of a disaster. I didn't think I'd ever clean the house but that day I made the first step at what seemed impossible  and oddly after cleaning everything around it, looking at that table made me smile. It was a first step before quite a journey.

It will be hard ladies. The hardest part is just cleaning the mess you've made. The second hardest? Training yourself to make it a priority to do housework each day. I was blessed that it took so long. Because it trained me not to think I had that free time anymore. I got used to spending so many hours a day working on my home. So should you. I did want to be like the old housewives. I did want a lovely home and I did want to be beautiful and not let myself go as so many do in old age. I decided it was important to me to be lovely, beautiful and have a lovely home and then I made it my priority. Set a time each day and clean, decorate do your list. Free up your life and enjoy your home. You will feel so blessed.

My man is acting so in love with me, I don't know how to handle it anymore, honestly. His passion, romance and devotion came as such a shock to me. I start crying when I see the response I get. It's not just to the housekeeping.. I make a point each day to groom first... like a date. But the grooming alone didn't work and with good reason. Pretty doesn't make a home. It only attracts a husband. It doesn't keep one. Attract your man and continue to be a joy to look at but then make him a mansion. In the end, his love will be a result of that mansion as well as your looks.

So let's plan out your week and see what we can do to make your life become as heavenly as mine is. Here is my weekly plan. plan out yours for what works for you. At first as you clean your mess be easy on yourself. It was a few months of following this weekly plan and not getting everything done each day before I got caught up... but I did my weekly plan and when the week was over, it was a clean slate to start again the next week. I was training myself to follow the plan. I didn't let my to do list pile up. I didn't do that to myself. I just pulled out each day and did what I could on that days list. If it didn't get done, the next day was a clean slate and I'd do it's list. I had a Monday through Friday plan and I'd just focus on each day and when weekend came, rest. It was always my goal to do each day completely but the focus was to have the list and do what I could for that day. When it was over, on to the next etc. One day I did cancel the day to just do dishes. They were a huge mess and it overwhelmed me. You may have some tasks like that and that is fine. But the next day, I pulled out my schedule and focused on my plan. It will keep you focused. It will keep you from forgetting things and it will give you peace.

Make your plan and stick to it. If you get off track, wipe your feet off, wake up the next day and begin again. It takes a while to train yourself to stick to it. Be patient with yourself as you make that transition. Enjoy the journey.

Much love
I am running  bit late today. I will put my full plan on tomorrow. It is taking longer than expected to type out. For now, start thinking of what you need to do. Consider cleaning, homemaking, diet, menu planning, grooming etc. I will post my plan tomorrow. Much love.

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